indecisive as of late

hello, remember me?

it has been a very long time. nine months, to be exact. for all you know...i could have had a baby. though i did not...just to be clear. ;)

so...in my last entry i made a point of notifying everyone about my intent to bend my writing style to fit the "needs" of others. forget that.

you see...it dawned on me tonight, that i had no desire to contribute another submission to "cold as fries". and so, why is this? why?...when i had so much enjoyed myself in the past? the answer is simple (but of course, i shall make it seem very complex)...i do not enjoy lowering the sanctity of true expression only for the benefit of someone who probably wouldn't appreciate it either way. not only is it unpleasant in theory, it's down right irksome in follow-through. for example: i could have easily written "talking like an idiot is super boring", but i chose not to...for that would be a major contradiction and i strongly believe that words are the greatest form of expression and never do i want to lose sight of that. i am ashamed of my last entry, it is demeaning.

and so...i apologize, to you and to myself. i promise never to belittle proper articulation from this day forth. i will spend all my days in practice of creating the ideal world, in which people...of every age, appreciate this beautiful form of communication.

i have to point out that someone helped me remember this.

this comment made me think:

"sometimes, when you say something simple with different words, the thinking that takes for people to understand what's written also makes us think deeply on what you're saying there".
-guilherme costa
www.dreamsandconsequences.blogspot.com

spot on.

i have always believed this to be true. that realization and its lingering presence in my mind had always struck up some unidentifiable breed of contemplation. something so seemingly insubstantial can suddenly feel like aphorismic gold when retold using more established locution. almost ludicrous. i know. that is what i love about it.

thank you for that refreshing statement, guilherme. i will remember that.


moving on...


i recently discovered (or rather; acknowledged) that i am too ambitious for my own liking. i set goals that are just completely unrealistic. the funny thing is...i don't even feel disappointed when they don't go as planned. i know ahead of time that i will most likely fail, and so i brace myself. i should really take into consideration the power of attraction. perhaps it's my focusing on the possible negative outcomes that is holding me back. hmm....i should really learn to be more positive.

new goal: be positive.

ha...good luck.

new direction

okay, i had my fun using words most of you guys don't understand...but i really think i'm heading in a new direction with this.

i'm more interested in sharing my views with you than i am in confusing you.

i want to take this time to thank my sister, virginia, for being her hilarious self and creating that translation page "hot as hamburgers". it was fun while it lasted.


i'm heading to pocatello tomorrow for a concert. it's going to be an eventful day, and i will need my energy. so, i think i'm going to sleep now.

every night i put my laptop on the nightstand beside me and open my music player, choose copeland from the list of artists. click shuffle...and minimize the player.
(just to let you know: aaron marsh has the voice of an angel. no...even better than that)

...it makes sleeping even better.

realizations at wrong times are so unbecoming

oh, the glories of adolescence. did i say glories?....i meant the austerity, of course. for getting from the point of believing you are mature to actually being so, can be quite the nightmarish experience.

there comes a time in pretty much every person's life when you realize that one day you will have to support yourself, make decisions for yourself, and solve conflicts all by yourself. it's a very real comparison that we are all like little birds (as i have mentioned in a previous entry). most of us are born with all the necessities of living at our disposal. we are graced with a home and with food being fed right to us, but then comes the day that we must fly away and begin living as the sole proprietor of our lives.

i apologize to you for articulating seemingly unimportant matters in a highly inadequate fashion...but i do have a point. i am trying my best to head into the direction of that, and i prefer to begin with a preface.

i had always known that one day all this would come into affect for me...but i didn't think much anything of it. i was simply this carefree little girl who liked to sleep in all day and watch movies all night. i've noticed we (humans) do this rather often. i suppose, in a way, it's a bit like procrastination. you don't think about it, or doing anything about it until the deadline is right there in your face.

my point is...i need to figure out what i'm going to do with my life. i know that i want to be a famous author of prize winning novels, as well as a successful film actress and musician...but i have to face reality and accept the fact that i cannot always get what i want. i can always work toward that goal...and always keep that dream alive, but for the mean time...i have to be able to support myself.

motivation is my big ordeal. whenever i even attempt to fathom getting a job or going to college i find myself losing large amounts of energy, and that can't be good. i suppose i am just really freaking lazy.

well, this blog entry was just horrendous. i really am sorry for wasting your time. i don't know why i do it....i really don't. maybe i'm just avoiding life, maybe this is just a lame excuse to not do what i have to do, like what was mentioned in this entry...but basically, this is just a little attempt to cure my boredom.

i'm glad this has ceased.

theories

ouch. i was preparing myself to begin this day's post and was snacking on seeds of a sunflower. i sneezed...and if i am not mistaken, i do believe i will have sunflower seed shrapnel lodged in my throat for the rest of my human life.

i apologize for that little hiccup, or sneeze...anyway, that's over. haha.

a couple of my relatives and i were conversing last night about theories of life and all meaning. i completely love conversations of that sort. you are allowed to pretty much say anything you'd like, and it's a possibility..yes, even the most ridiculous.

i don't know about you..but i find it pretty nonsensical and wrong that children can't pray to their god(s) in school, yet they are all required to take years of science. i don't have a care as to what anyone says: science is a religion. for isn't most of what religion is..a basis of what life is, and how it became..and how it will end?...just please, someone attempt to deny that.

do you ever ponder on the thought of how civilization came to be? for instance, who came up with the idea of conversation? and how exactly did we all discover that certain things need to be done?...like eating and sleeping. for all we had known..that aching/burning feeling inside us was just what being alive felt like. how did we discover what is edible?..and what edible even means? perhaps we are all like little birds, we have that intuition.

oh..hmm, i suppose that whole adam and eve deal with god telling them about the trees with fruit on them or whatever is another way of answering that, if you believe in that theory. regardless...it is entertaining to think about.

i have another one. be forewarned, for it is a bit on the side of ridiculous. so..what if with each side of your brain (toss out all information given to you by doctors..for all we know, they are fabricating their words of what is and what is not) had its own perception of life? for example: the right side of your brain sees your life this way, and the left sees it that way. do you understand what i am trying to tell you? like..you, right now..reading this, are controlled by your..let's just say your right side of your brain. then...you also have your left side, which is perceiving the world differently, you just don't even know it exists. your one side thinks it's a whole brain, so as far as you know..there is no other side at all. it's like one body...with two spirits. and like, the whole world you're living in (depending on your "side") is all composed of that side of people. a left world, and a right world..but really the same physical world, but you see things differently mentally. for, what is life as you see it if not what your mind says it is?........nothing to you.

goodness, i could go on forever. however, i shall stop here. thank you for taking the time to read this. i really do appreciate it. it makes me feel special. haha.

goodbye for now.

futileness

this blog was created with no intention of harming anyone, however i fear i may have done just that. you see...it has come to my attention that most everyone today has hardly a fraction of my verbosity, causing them a headache of the acutest kind when attempting to perceive my words.

i am not about to apologize to you for my own loquaciousness. if you wish to comprehend what i am telling you, then you go on and apologize to yourself for not expanding your own vocabulary prior to coming across this page.

with that said, i may now move on to topics of which do not cause me a great deal of distress...

there is a building located five miles from where i sit that is structured much like that of a turtle. i call it "the turtle buliding". i am aware that name isn't the best to come up with...but it is what it is, and so it shall remain that way. i mention such a thing for no apparent reason, to you or to myself. for i am sure you find it pretty pointless, as do i. the relation of such a statement to this blog, however, isn't exactly nonsensical. i find that such a blog, one with little meaning to begin with, might as well end that way.

the paragraph above was basically an excuse to write. i couldn't come up with anything worth words, so i settled for the unworthy.

i have, sitting on my lap, a dog whom which has a stench of the most distasteful nature. i cannot help but loathe having her here. sure, she's adorable and has a cute personality, but i must be honest with you...people (well, in this case..animals) who emit an unpleasant odor aren't exactly a joy to be near. do not mistake my words, for i am not meaning to sound ill-natured. i am simply giving life to the feelings of which linger on most everyone's mind.

i could elongate this submission, but i am not feeling up to it. besides, i have to save the rest of my pointless theories and antics for the blogs to come. as it is, i only have over a million of them remaining fresh in my mind.

..that was my valediction.

slendid afternoons

greetings, my fellow earthlings. what a beautiful day it is for residents of palmer, alaska. unfortunately i am sitting in a stuffy office, howvever i am located in front of a rather large window with a spectacular view. it's of the sky mainly, which is one true beauty that will never be duplicated. i just love how nature is full of colors and shades...even the seemingly most depressing have hidden beauty. in fact, my favorite color (or shade) is gray. i absolutely adore how the sky looks on a gray day. i do not find such a time to be gloomy at all, but most people do. isn't it strange how most humans relate an emotion with a color? for example: red=anger, blue=sadness, yellow=happiness. i do find it rather odd, but that's just me.

i detest when people ask "is 'insert noun here' making your life a drag?". i find this question to be perfectly obtuse! life is never something to toy with. saying your life is a drag is an action of the most ungrateful nature. life is precious in every way and at all times. if you had no life that would mean you either do not exist or have died. let me ask you this; which seems like more of a drag to you, going through life or being dead?

suicidal people are completely ungrateful. most all the people who commit suicide have hate rediating throughout their force of energy. that is no way to be. i pity them, to be sure. my only wish is that more people, perhaps all, could enjoy life as i do and see the true potential at happiness that lies within themselves. the world could be such a better place. with happiness in all our hearts there would be peace between all mankind. a believe a world as such is indeed possible. it starts with me and ends with you.

i never truly knew what i wanted out of life, but now i do. i want love, laughter, truth, and happiness...all at the same time. and i need for what i want to be shared with the rest of the world, but the rest of the world needs it to be shared with their wants. and that is exactly what we need to change.

well...i best be getting back with my life.

peace. love. happiness.

imperfectly adequate

my, my...i have been away for far too long. i am deeply regretful and offer to you my sincerest apologies. you may be wondering what has caused my elongated absence...and yet, you may not. i would suspect the latter, but i am going to inform you despite the fact that you most likely do not care.

following the night after my first attempt at blogging, i was so excited to write another. early in morn when the dew still lingered on the freshly cut blades of grass i awoke from my chambers and nestled comfortably on the computer desk chair. i cranked my neck to the left and to the right, releasing the tension which was brought on by the hard slumber i had endured. i reached upward with both my arms, completing the fourth stretch of the morning. more out of habit than requirement, i popped each and every one of my knuckles. it only made my typing all the more swift.

predictable was the circumstance. i suppose some resignation or some such requirement of a technical matter had timed out and all the text on the screen were transformed into hieroglyphics.

thus the basis of my bummed out attitude, and the means to a beginning of blogging deprivation.

a new day has begun, and i have found myself a computer with sufficient aptitude to allow such an act. i am grateful, for now i get to rant on about random matters to whomever comes across this sad little page of mine. sorry about that, by the way. i do not wish to reveal the sentiments of a most depressing nature to you. i only wish to tell a story. a story with no point of existence, but a story nonetheless.


a note for the wise: do not trust ziploc baggies, or any plastic bags of the sort. they will rape your food of its every amiable quality and leave behind a bitter taste of displeasure. it was earlier this very day that i decided to pack some vanilla wafers into such a container. what a wrong decision it was. eleven perfectly delicious wafers are now sitting ruined at the bottom of a wastebasket, atop its malicious fiend of a carrier.

i better return to my duties. i am needed for the next half hour, and then homeward bound i be. i shall return to this blog someday. i am not making any promises about when or how, but i know one day i will return.

until then..much love,
c.s. motley